If I Were in Rescomp

Seth Schoen

"Dear God, you made many, many residents.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be in the dorms.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I'd had a Rescomp job?"

If I were in Rescomp
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum,
If I were an RCC.
I'd really have to work hard,
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
If I were a biddy biddy Res-
Yidda-didda-di-comp man.

I'd help a big tall dorm with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town:
A concrete roof with eight concrete floors below.
There would be one long Cat 5 just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my room with disks and cables and mice and NICs
For the dorm to see and hear,
Routing just as rapidly as the LAN.
And each loud "grep" and "awk" and "feep" and "hack"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives the RCC."

If I were in Rescomp
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum,
If I were the RCC.
I'd really have to work hard,
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
If I were a biddy biddy Res-
Yidda-didda-di-comp man.

I see my boss, my US, looking like a Rescomp boss
With a proper Cal ID,
Supervising staff to his heart's delight.
I see him putting in SIDs and sifting through the papers.
Oy, what a happy mood he's in,
Screaming at the res'dents, day and night.

The most important Hall Staff guys would come to fawn on me.
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.
"If you please, RCC..."
"Pardon me, RCC..."
Posing problems that would cross a kernel hacker's eyes!
And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.
When you're staff, they think you really know.
If I were staff, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the Comp Center and hack.
And maybe have a seat by the Power Macs.
And I'd discuss O'Reilly books with the learned men, seven hours every day.
And that would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were in Rescomp,
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum,
If I were the RCC.
I'd really have to work hard,
Ya da deeda deeda, deeda deeda deeda deeda dum,
If I were a biddy biddy Res-,
Yidda-didda-di-comp man.

Lord who made the residents and LAN,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a Rescomp man?